When you want it bad…

July 27, 2010 at 1:12 pm 5 comments

That's me!

I was having a conversation with my mother last weekend and I was talking to her about my weight. If you recall, I wrote a post on weighing 134 pounds, a higher weight for me, yet not having any emotional attachment to it (which is HUMONGO in my world).

She asked me how did I do it? How did I break through all the negative, self-depricating voices, the sabatoging binges, the victim-mentality to arrive to where I am today: Positively happy and glowing in a slightly bigger body.

Cheryl Richardson, in her newsletter this week, summed it up perfectly:

You have to want a deeper, more conscious relationship with yourself more than you want to be comfortable or thin.

Ok people, this is so important that I’m going to say it again:

You have to want a deeper, more conscious relationship with yourself more than you want to be comfortable or thin.

It took me many, many, many years of being so nasty to myself bring me to where I am today. But there came a point when I said, Stop the Insanity! The negative self-talk tapes began to wear thin (no pun intended) on me, and it was a struggle to keep up a lower weight that wasn’t meant for me during this time in my life. Through the help of workshops, therapists, dietitians, friends, family, and LOTS, and I mean, LOTS, of self exploration, I realized that my relationship with myself and my body was more important than being thin.

I know this sounds cliche, but I still can’t believe I can utter the above sentence. I’m not going to lie–accepting yourself (and not even LOVING yourself, but just merely being OK with where you are now) can be an uncomfortable, tough place to be. When the rest of the world and your friends are dieting away, and you’re just trying to figure out if your body wants ice cream or just tired, it’s uncomfortable. And when the scale creeps up instead of down, and your skinny jeans no longer fit, it’s uncomfortable.

But that moment when you decide, You know what? I don’t give a fuck, is worth it. Believe me, it’s so worth it.

I just took some headshots this weekend and when I looked at the photos, the first thought was: Damn, I look good! Not: my thighs look big, and oh-my-god, do I have a tricep-waddle? Ok, maybe that creeped in a bit, I am only human, after all. But it feels so good to celebrate myself and my beauty.

If you’re not ready to give up on your attachment to being “thin,” whatever that means to you, that’s OK. But I promise that one day you’ll want to change that tape in your head. And when you’re ready, come talk to me, and we’ll start you on the right path.

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Entry filed under: nutrition. Tags: , , , , , , .

I heart my rice cooker This is not A-mooooo-sing

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Abbey  |  July 27, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    I am SO proud of you and happy for you and you look the best you ever have (although you have ALWAYS been a beauty!!!)

    Reply
  • 2. Kate  |  July 27, 2010 at 8:46 pm

    YOu are so brave for sharing all of these thoughts. Never forget you are helping SO MANY people!!! (and you look fantastic doing it!) Keep it comin’….

    Reply
    • 3. Amanda  |  July 28, 2010 at 2:48 am

      Thank you so much, Kate! And it’s because of readers like you that keep me going. XOXOXO

      Reply
  • 4. Lori  |  July 30, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    Amen to that!

    I’m working through similar thoughts in my renewed participation in ballet classes. I remind myself that 1) I’m here because it feels good, 2) I’m not 16 anymore, and that’s ok, and 3) it’s not a competition with the skinny girls in class. I’m there to move and feel good, not dissect my image in the mirror.

    And beautiful, celebrated women like Christina Hendricks certainly give me a boost. After all, her bust and backside wouldn’t blend with the New York City corps de ballet, either, and she’s undoubtedly gorgeous.

    Reply
    • 5. Amanda  |  July 30, 2010 at 6:19 pm

      Thanks for your comment, Lori. I agree with you re: Christina Hendricks. Plus, those other girls are most likely sizing each other up and feeling miserable about the big lunch they ate rather than the beauty of ballet.

      Reply

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